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Should A Marriage Be Saved When A Woman Hates Sex?

Margaret Hardisty — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 08:38:19 +0000

Jarod was muscular, handsome and ready to walk – away from his marriage. “My wife Christina really does hate sex,” he told us. “At least since our kids were born. Is there any way you can help me so I want to save this marriage instead of hitting the road?”

Jarod told her about us and she decided to come to our sessions as well. “I love Jarod but I can’t stand his touching me,” she said. “I know he’s ready to leave, but if it means that I have to put up with his sexual stuff, I don’t care if we save this marriage or not.”

If sex disgusts you – if it’s a bother – or a waste of time – or it hurts – or is repulsive – or makes you feel dirty – or used – or you never experience pleasure from it…you need to realize that your reactions are not normal. This is a very common problem that women women suffer through at the expense of their relationships. The thing to remember is that people don’t start thinking or acting a certain way for no reason. If you think you’ve gone through all the causes, forward and backward, and have come to the conclusion that sex is still all the things we mentioned above, don’t pass on this yet. You may have missed that one ingredient that will make a difference in your life.

There always is a cause behind an emotion, a feeling, or a behavior. If you think you’ve gone through all the causes, forward and backward, and have come to the conclusion that sex is still all the things we mentioned above, don’t pass on this yet. You may have missed that one ingredient that will make a difference in your life.

Other brain chemicals are released, too, like serotonin and endogenous opioids, the body’s equivalent of heroin. Sex really does relax you and improve your mood. It’s also why some people can immediately go to sleep.

There’s a scientific side, too. When two people engage in sex, two of the neurochemicals that are released are vasopressin and oxytocin. These two chemicals interact with one small but very important part of the brain that is not activated by any other emotion. This area of the brain is the same one that generates the euphoria induced by drugs – like cocaine, for example. Love, in other words, uses the same brain mechanisms that are used during the process of addiction.

Serotonin and endogenous opioids are the body’s equivalent of heroin creating a state of euphoria. Sex really does relax you and improve your mood. It’s also why some people can immediately go to sleep. All of these things tell you one thing. Only that sex is important to all of us on a number of levels: emotional, psychological and physical; gluing relationships together.

* There was a priest/pastor and/or a parent who told her that, according to the Bible, sex is dirty and shameful, and she should indulge in it only to have a baby. The Bible teaches no such thing. The bible actually teaches just the opposite.

* Her religious beliefs tell her to believe that the Bible denounces sex as dirty and shameful, and that having a child as the result is the only purpose. The Bible teaches no such thing. The bible actually teaches just the opposite.

* Someone in a position of authority told her that sexual pleasure was for the man. There are some bad apples who think this way, but most men do not.

Our counseling experience has exposed these reasons and even more. If you treasure your marriage and want to save it, find out why you don’t enjoy sex with your guy and then determine to do everything you can to change the circumstances. We have written a lot about why women (or men) turn off in our books and material at www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com because we know how important it is to a relationship and to the stability of a marriage.

Tell your man today that you need his help because you are determined to conquer this: “I want our marriage to survive, Honey, and I know this is an important part of that.” He’ll be deeply grateful that you love him enough to try, not only to come to the point of desiring him, but because you want to save your marriage.

Involve your partner and make a effort to beat this pattern of thought: “I want our marriage to survive, Honey, and I know this is an important part of that.” He’ll be deeply grateful that you love him enough to try, not only to come to the point of desiring him, but because you want to save your marriage. Your goal will be to like – adore – cherish lovemaking – not dislike or just tolerate it. Unless you make a conscious effort to change this attitude you may lose your marriage as a result. Save your marriage – start on it today.

Margaret Hardisty International Best Selling Author and Speaker Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

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Improve Your Attitude – Save Your Marriage

Dr. Vance Hardisty — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 08:16:47 +0000

An attendee at one of our seminars wrote for Question/Answer time: My spouse is always angry or unhappy so much of the time that it’s rubbing off on our kids – even the one who used to be all sunshine. Nothing they or I do pleases her. Frankly, I don’t know if I can stand much more of this. I’d like to save my marriage for the kids’ sake, but I’m wondering.

She’s always a cranky, touchy person becomes a habit, don’t you think? There are both men and women who make it a habit of complaining about their spouses. Most people are what they have been becoming since childhood. Spouses don’t see themselves that way; they excuse their behavior by saying that they are just being realistic, so they see no need to change. It is miserable to live with, we agree. However, Mr. or Mrs. Negative can change. We’ve spoken of this is our save-your-marriage material at our Love Relationship Headquarters. We talk about cranky, critical, ornery people, because we run across them in our counseling.

If you’ve got a Mrs. Cranky wife, we taught our client and students (not wanting to point out the man because his wife was there with him), teach your children the better way by being cheerful and positive regarding everything. Refuse to join the Forces of Negatives. Find a positive to bring up for every negative.

One way is: you can play a game with your children where they are to think of a positive for a negative that you throw at them. “Okay, Kids, it’s pouring down rain and you can’t play outside. Think of 3 reasons why you should be happy about that.” [Suggested answers: Rain helps food grow so we can eat; Rain is God's provision for keeping the earth green and beautiful; You (or we) can pop corn and play a table game inside.]

Rain is just one idea. You can think of hundreds of ways to teach your children to think positively. Try it for a few months, and if your wife doesn’t catch the spirit by then, tell her that you are concerned about her health. When she asks you why, you can say, “You’re so pretty when you smile. And you seldom smile anymore. The kids are noticing it, too. I want you to be happy. I’ve been reading about that. Maybe you aren’t getting proper rest. Or you may be suffering from low blood sugar or hormones that are out of synch. Whatever it is, I’ll do everything I can to help. It wouldn’t hurt for both of us to have a thorough checkup.”

Be prepared, just like a Boy Scout! She may meet your efforts indignantly with a barrage of things you should be doing yourself, or the kids should be doing, so she CAN smile more. It this occurs you will need to control your childrens’ response. Otherwise, cart her off to a medical doctor who can look for hidden causes behind the sourpuss attitude.

One thing she definitely needs is to read our material and books written just for women at Love Relationship Headquarters. We have a bunch there for you, too, Sir…material that will guide you into being a much better husband and father. Get her – and you – started on them now and you won’t have to write us for help in the future. We want you to keep your marriage strong. Save your marriage is our motto.

Margaret Hardisty International Best Selling Author and also Speaker Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

All marriages are worth saving, Save your marriage today, and get separate help for women Don’t reprint this exact article. Instead, reprint a free unique content version of this same article.

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Adultery Stings

Margaret Hardisty — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 08:04:12 +0000

Ethan, a professional man, was angry and calling his wife all sorts of names when he came to us. “She’s having an affair with a guy she met at a roller skating rink. I just found out.” He became very tearful. “What can I do? I love her. I want to save my marriage.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t understand. I’ve always been a good husband.”

But he hadn’t been a good husband – not really. At least, not in her opinion. When I had the chance to talk with her she told me, “I put up with him as long as I could. I needed someone who would love me the way I needed.” Although they blamed each other, both were at fault; but in her disillusionment she started looking elsewhere outside her marriage and “fell in love” with the first guy who gave her attention. She began a love affair with him. That didn’t last, so she was off looking for another guy. Meanwhile their children floundered.

People have more reasons to justify their forays into adultery than a centipede has legs. Fortunately, physical adultery still shocks people – and especially if the faithless are famous, like Tiger Woods, or Jesse James, the husband of Sandra Bullock. At this time, it doesn’t look like either one is going to be able to save his marriage. Having sex outside your committed relationship can destroy your family, friends and spouse.

Having an affair emotionally or mentally can be adultery as well. A person can have sex mentally with someone else and no one is the wiser unless the porn or email correspondence that reveals their indulgence is discovered. Emotional disloyalty, by choosing someone other than your spouse as your closest confidant and friend, when there are romantic undertones, chips away at married closeness and can escalate into physical betrayal.

V:3 Once trust has been destroyed, most of those marriages fail. It is at that point in time that the one who cheated sometimes realizes just how much he/she has sacrificed, and there is a desire to make things better. Can it be done? Absolutely. Will it be easy? You already know the answer to that. But with the right information, it is a lot easier than most think.

Some of the biggest problems arise when the one who has had the affair is sorry, swears he/she will never do it again and then expects the offended one to forgive and forget and let the marriage go back to the way it was immediately. Forgiveness is only the first part of the process. It takes time and some very specific actions on the part of the offender. Second, though the one who has cheated often just wants things to go back to normal – they really DON’T want that. That NORMAL was what got them into trouble in the first place. What they want is a better, stronger, happier marriage. They just don’t know how to get it. The good news is that things can improve. Time after time, we have seen couples who have experienced adultery go through the rebuilding process, follow the steps that they need to follow, and find that they didn’t just save their marriages, they made them much better than before.

Fortunately, it can be done. Time after time, we have seen couples who have experienced adultery go through the rebuilding process, follow the steps that they need to follow, and find that they didn’t just save their marriages, they made them much better than before.

It is important to be clear. It is not right to have an affair any way shape or form. It causes incredible pain and suffering to everyone involved and makes the process of crafting a better marriage much harder. If you are in a difficult union, it is far easier to start right now, using clearly defined steps, like those we at Love Relationship Headquarters have laid out, to make the marriage you have dynamic and exciting. You can prevent the pain of cheating and improve your relationship. Find us and all the steps you need, whether you have gone through the frustration of adultery or not at www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com.

You ask us, “Can you save my marriage?” We would ask you to look in the mirror and ask, “Can WE save this marriage?” We can help, yes, but the actual process takes two – you and your spouse.

Margaret Hardisty, International Best Selling Author and Speaker Dr. Vance Hardisty Iternational Speaker and Author Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

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Your Healthy Body = A Healthy Marriage

Dr. Vance Hardisty — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 07:20:08 +0000

Mary was always thin when she was growing up. However, her figure tended to move outward a bit when it came to her thighs. Still, she was very attractive and looked good in her clothes. After she’d had three children, though, her body began to move outward all over. She liked the fact that it gave her bigger breasts, but the rest was depressing to her. Actually, she was feeling trapped. Her husband was working overtime to deal with additional costs and had little time to help her with the kids.

Her depression began to damage their relationship. Although he never mentioned her weight, she felt on the ugly side and took her frustrations out on him. He fought back and when other things began to pound at them, such as huge bills and a job loss, she decided the only way out of the whole mess was to get divorced. She no longer wanted to save the marriage.

Despite her foolish decision, she realized that she couldn’t go it alone . She hadn’t finished her education and at best she could get a low paying job. She also didn’t want to lose her children. She’d have to find another man, that was all, and to do so, she needed to lose weight.

Her decisions devastated her husband who didn’t spot the signs soon enough, and once he did, he refused to change anything he was doing to save his marriage. He waited for her to make changes and did not want to make any himself.

She also found another man and had an affair. The man was a dog, but because she was running from her hurt – and trying to run from herself as well as her husband – she couldn’t see that. The “dog” went his way, in time, and she scouted for another guy, found him – another dog – and in time, he went his way. Meanwhile she filed for divorce, and continued to do what she could to make her figure better. V:3

The question is: Why couldn’t she realize that her overeating and not taking care of her body was part of the whole picture of unhappiness that she was experiencing and that it eventually would result in the loss of her marriage? Why couldn’t her ex-husband see that, as well, and do something about it before it was too late? The weight was a distraction because it was not the root of the problem. V:3

If overweight is a monster gnawing at you, determine to do something about it now so you don’t lose your marriage Being overweight is a symptom of a much deeper emotional problem. Problems can cause emotional stress and physical illness and it all can tie in with being overweight. The body is a marvelous machine. All parts work together and affect one another.

Keep in mind, when the ball comes swishing toward your bat, you’re the only one who can be there swinging. Either you practice until you hit it or you drop your bat and trot back to the dugout. There is no one but you who can work through it. No one can do it for you.

We show you how, not only to save your marriage, but how to make it better and, frankly, exciting. Get started on our materials and books today so your home will be a happy, peaceful one, not one filled with strife and fat bodies.

Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Margaret Hardisty International Best Selling Author and Speaker Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

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